Not That It's Any of Your Damn Business
by InnocentGuilt
Summary: Bones has fifty secrets and Jim is all too happy to keep them. Slash, mentions of several other characters, part of the Butterfly Series and goes hand in hand with Just Between You and Me. Hope you like it!


Disclaimer: My cousin and I are just two little girls playing with other peoples' dolls. We don't make jack shit from this stuff…which is the most depressing thing I have ever hear of…more depressing than finding out that Santa steals the presents in Backwardsland.

A/N: Uh, this goes hand in hand with our other Kirk/McCoy secrets post. Just Between You and Me can be found at my homepage. As always half of these are magicdaisy's…I just get to do her bidding haha.

*

One:

Bones can do a handstand. It is one of the most awesome, most random things Jim has ever discovered about the doctor. They weren't even drunk (probably a good thing) when Bones showed him. Although, in fairness to Bones, Jim had goaded him. Bones had said that a lot of people could do handstand, even him (in retaliation to Jim going on and on about this flexible senior Cadet), and Jim had told him to prove it. He tells Bones, later, that was the moment he knew that he knew he would be Bones' for all time.

Two:

He takes two minute showers, timed almost perfectly to the amount of time it takes for Jim to brush his teeth at night. In that short two minutes, Bones will share an almost completely one-sided conversation with Jim about whatever it is that comes to his mind (sometimes classes, sometimes Jim, sometimes just about the weather and how Georgia was much nicer).

Three:

Bones knows both Latin and Greek. A rather odd thing for him to know about, Jim thought, until he really began thinking about all the medical jargon that Bones would randomly spout off when he wanted to confuse people (mostly higher ups with no medical background, but sometimes Jim if he was pissed off at him). If Jim hazarded a guess, he would say that Bones had learned those languages (both dead, and he really didn't speak in them, but he noticed the way Bones eyes lingered on Roman and Greek texts in museums a little longer than was really necessary) so that he would have a better handle on the medical vernacular.

Four:

Once a month he gives Nurse Chapel highlights, because she doesn't like to do them herself and he learned how to do highlights when his mother was in beauty school. It's their own sweet little ritual, and they include Jim on it every so often. When Jim does go, usually Bones will spend what little he doesn't use on Christine's hair on Jim, picking and strategically planting strips of dye on already blond hair. Needless to say, every three or so months Uhura spends most of a week trying to pinpoint what Jim has done differently to his hair.

Five:

Bones and Joanna made a butterfly mobile. You know, like those funny little chime-looking things that hang above baby cribs and spin around and what-not? They actually made one the last time they were together on Earth, just before the_ Enterprise_ deployed for her first five year mission. Joanna gave it to Bones to take with him though, so that he and Jim could have a little piece of Earth in space.

Six:

Bones can keep a grudge like nobody's business. He can let the emotional embers burn for months going upwards into years. He tells Jim one night (while they're still on Earth, trying to find time for sleep between the mayhem that is swirling like a typhoon around them after the_ Narada_, and after a particular nasty argument over why Jim is holding out for Spock as his first officer) that he doesn't have to like Spock, and he's not going to for a long time. His mother's entire family are grudge-holding vultures and Spock deserves it for marooning the best damn thing that's happened to 'Fleet. At that point it had been the closest Bones had come to saying that he loved Jim, and it had deserved the laughter it received.

Seven:

Bones has all of Jim's favorite foods memorized by heart, and in his cute little medical bag (called by normal beings: 'man-purse') he has antihistamines for all of the reactions Jim will have to said foods, because Jim can't help it—he loves every single food he can't have.

Eight:

He was in the Choir at his little Baptist church up until he was sixteen. He also sang several solos in it, and when pressed will even give a little chorus of a song he knows. When he's with Joanna, though, and he's tucking her into bed, he'll sing her a lullaby that has apparently been in the McCoy family for centuries. Jim doesn't know the words, but he knows every pitch and tone Bones voice reaches, and for a moment, he really believes music is magical.

Nine:

Bones tells Jim one afternoon as they're walking through some field on a backwater planet when he was in Mississippi for college, there was this little old lady that he used to visit ('kinda reminded me of my grandmother') and she had a field. When he was stressed, he would go to her house and wander out into that field, green and soft grass, but littered with snakes, and he would lay down in middle and just… '_escape.'_ He says all of this before suddenly collapsing into the ground, conveniently bringing Jim down with him.

Ten:

He has a secret love of licorice. Jim personally thinks he harbors this love just because he knows Jim hates it.

Eleven:

You would never guess it just from the way Bones gripes and complains and grumbles about how he's a doctor, not a pillow, and whatnot, but it really is Bones who enacts the cuddling. Jim doesn't mind, he's not ashamed to admit it. He actually kinda likes flopping down next to (on top of) Bones, just to have Bones pull him closer, but it's a misconception that he's the one who starts it.

Twelve:

Bones left his wife, not the other way around. How, or why, he tells Jim this is still a total mystery to him. He's pretty sure they had been talking about Jim's latest conquest (before they were together), but Bones tells him while he's staring off into space, pointedly not looking at Jim as if he's afraid he might leave. He says that she had spiraled into depression hardcore after David (Jim doesn't even correlate the two David's in their lives), because David had been the only father figure Jocelyn had ever had. He couldn't handle that on top of his own guilt. He tells Jim that he doesn't hate his ex-wife, even if she did take away every good thing in his life. He says with an empty voice, that at least if she hated him she felt something (and that was almost better than the emptiness he caught in her eyes before she realized their daughter was crying three feet away from her).

Jim tried not to let it get to him, but the first time he can't find Bones (while he's performing a major operation) he panics, thinking that Bones is leaving him too.

Thirteen:

The first time Jocelyn sends Joanna to him, during their second year Spring Break, Bones bought six kinds of breakfast items, a plethora of healthy snacks, and Jim was pretty sure and entire isle of macaroni and cheese. It was a pretty sweet gesture, but kinda turned out to be completely useless, because they ate out the entire time she was there. They were left with a cabinet of food that had Bones cringing as Jim went crazy eating all the things Bones usually scared him away from. After the first box of Pop Tarts, though, Jim conceded to Bones grouching and bitching and just threw the rest out, delighted when the doctor's shoulders relaxed, even just a bit.

Fourteen:

Bones has broken more communicators than anyone Jim knows. Okay, it's not really him, per se. He just seems to have this personality that electronics hate. Their first year in the Academy, he broke four (two just wimped out on him, one was dropped just one too many times, and the last one was really Jim's fault, but no one will ever know that)…and his record from that point on could only serve to grow. Each year brought a higher count of broken communicators until all of instructors learned to send him transmissions, and their friends learned to call Jim, because hell, who else would he be with?

Fifteen:

Bones has what Jim considers 'Chronic Downplayitis.' It's pretty much what it sounds like. Bones has a way of making it seem as if all of his accomplishment, skills, and knowledge aren't really anything to get excited about. When at a ceremony (just shortly after they return to Earth from their engagement with the_ Narada_) he actually tells an Admiral that anyone could have done what he did with Pike. And that wasn't the first occurrence, nor would it be the last. Jim doesn't know where he picked up this virus, but Jim does everything he can (including telling Bones he's full of crap with the same Admiral standing in front of them) to make sure Bones talents don't go unappreciated.

Sixteen:

Bones thinks he is more like his mother, in terms of temperament. She was loud, resolute, and made all the rules, while David (still, the names don't quite connect for Jim) kind of just showed up and played with his son when he could. Bones says that was back when they still got along fairly well, and before David got sick, but when he was growing up, it was David he went to when asking for things, because he was more likely to get a 'yes' from his father, than his mother. In reality, Jim thinks Bones is more like his dad, or at least the dad he describes from his childhood, because everyone knows Bones has a hard time saying 'no' to Joanna.

Seventeen:

He can skip a rock across a pond four times, every time, without even making it look difficult. One afternoon, he spent a couple hours trying to get Jim to make a rock skip more than twice and more than one out of ten times. It was a mute effort, and by the end of it, Jim was finding various ways of distracting him.

Eighteen:

When Bones was a kid he and his dad made a tree house. Well, his dad made the tree house. Bones just handed him the tools and held the measurer when his dad told him to. However many years later, when Bones drags Jim to Georgia, it's still standing in a huge oak tree that looks like it's been on Earth longer than man. They spend the last night up there, listening to sounds of a Georgia summer while they trade stories back and forth to each other.

Nineteen:

He read Joanna "I'll love you forever," when she was a little girl. Said he read it to her the night Jocelyn kicked him out ('she knew I was leaving, but it's as if she knew to pretend right along with me. She didn't cry or anything…just looked at me with those eyes, steady as the earth.'). He even used to do a jingle when the book spoke of the lullaby. And surprisingly (or not really, considering this is Bones' kid), she remembers the tune of the lullaby, and every so often, when they see her, she hums it, closing her eyes and letting the jingle of her childhood overcome the room…and Bones too.

Twenty:

When he and Scotty get drunk together…bad things happen. Terrible, awful things that he can't remember and Scotty…Scotty barely remembers anything sober unless it has to do with the_ Enterprise_. When he and Scotty get drunk together they sing songs, drinking songs from wherever they can think up, Scotland, Ireland, the bar down the road from the McCoy establishment in Georgia, and they wail them at the top of their lungs, scarring anyone who happens to be in range, which is always Jim.

Twenty-One:

Bones was Gaila's friend long before Jim had ever really met her. She came to him in a panic one afternoon, because her pheromone suppressants were wearing off, and she needed to get injected quickly. All the other doctors were being overrun with lust at just the slightest whiff of her, and Bones, somehow superhuman and way too gentlemanly even for a southern boy, managed to keep his hands to himself and inject her before she was pawed to death by the male medical staff, and whoever had followed her into the Medical center from the Academy grounds.

Twenty-two:

Bones totally gets hot when he sees Jim in glasses. Jim doesn't necessarily know why, but ever since he got the damn things, and more importantly, since he began wearing them, Bones has been all over him. If he comes into the room and Jim is reading with his glasses, instead of his contacts, the padd is across the room in a matter of seconds and Jim is pressed into the mattress with hungry kisses searing his skin.

Twenty-three:

Mrs. McCoy, Bones' mother, Ellie, is a little off kilter. Bones warns him of that the night before they go to Georgia. It's the first time Jim's gone to meet his mom (all that's left of most of his family), and his first time to Georgia in general. So, Bones feels it only fair that he warn Jim that Ellie has kind of lost it over the years, in ways that almost make Winona look put together. He frets about it the entire way to Georgia, and even into their first night at the McCoy establishment. But Ellie seems perfectly normal to Jim, until they wake up the next morning and find a parsley and egg garland decorating their door. Ellie had apparently wanted to make sure no one got pregnant while they were in the same room together. Bones still blushes when Jim brings it up.

Twenty-four:

Bones smoked, like, nearly the entire time he was in pre-med. He stopped when he met Jocelyn, and he hasn't touched a cigarette since he was twenty-one. Jim knows it's bad and disgusting, but still, the thought of Bones smoking is_ really, really_ hot.

Twenty-five:

Bones is a total sucker for animals. He may try to hide it behind his crotchety, old-man, fuck-the-world-and-its-inhabitants attitude, but he sees a stray dog running the academy grounds or in the neighborhood of their apartment, that man has leftovers from the fridge in his hand so fast it's like magic.

Twenty-six:

It is Bones deepest, darkest secret, and if Jim ever told anyone he is sure pain of death ('not even pain of death, Jim, that's too damn nice for the horrors I would put you through) would occur. However, Bones likes tea. Not just any tea, oh, no. No, no, no. He likes Spock's tea. The kind from Vulcan that has all assortments of berries that really aren't berries, and twigs that the Vulcans picked out from_ under_ the mulch. Granted, he loads his tea down with so much sugar it's entirely possible that he just wants a little flavor and variety with his sugar intake (the man calls himself a doctor), but just the same, he only raids Spock's stash of tea when he needs his fix. He says he's not passive aggressive…_yeah right!_

Twenty-seven:

Bones tells him one night (after their first psych evals) that he nearly failed his Introduction to Psychology class, because he refused to write a paper over Freud. He thinks the man was high off his ass on cocaine and wrote down any piece of convoluted nonsense he could formulate in his mind, and that father of psychoanalysis or not, no one should be forced to write a paper over a drug addict. Jim really almost dreads what the psychologist has to say about Bones, because he's pretty sure the doctor didn't hold back.

Twenty-eight:

He has one really good friend from Georgia, a lawyer by the name of Clay Treadway. They talk to each other once every two or so months. He tells Bones how Jocelyn and Joanna are doing, and sometimes he hints to liking Jocelyn a bit more than a friend should. Bones always raises an eyebrow when Clay starts getting all sappy, and Clay will back-peddle so fast he could trip over air. However, when the comm. is off, Bones will chuckle (because he doesn't really laugh when Jo isn't around, but Jim takes what he can get) and say 'He's gonna have to get over his fear of what I'll do to him if he hurts Joce, because her mama will flay him alive.'

Twenty-nine:

Bones can sleep through the seven signs of the apocalypse, through at least four natural disasters going on outside, or once in space he can even manage to sleep through the greatest dust storm in space history, but Jim stumbles in drunk or tired, or some sort of beep sounds in the background, and the man is upright in bed starting for his shoes and medical kit before either of them can really blink.

Thirty:

Bones has inadvertently claimed the recliner their apartment came furnished with. Jim's not entirely sure he's aware of it, but Jim gets griped at when he sits in it, and Bones can always be found there when he's not really active. Jim has been relegated to the couch. When it comes time to board the_ Enterprise_, Bones seriously considers taking the damn chair with him, which, okay, kinda makes Jim scowl because, seriously, it's a fucking chair. It's not like it's even a fun chair. They don't have sex in it, they don't sit together in it like they can on Jim's couch…there's no point. But Bones is secretly in love with that damn thing, and it takes all of Jim's smooth-talking to get Bones to leave it in their apartment, promising that it'll be here waiting for him when they return.

Thirty-one:

When Bones is tired, not only does his verbal abuse get worse, but he has a certain set to his lips. It's as if he knows his temper has a shorter fuse, and is almost trying to keep the onslaught that he'll unveil on the next unsuspecting victim tethered firmly behind his teeth. Jim appreciates the unconscious warning, even if he doesn't always heed it.

Thirty-two:

Bones likes to fall asleep when Jim is in the room. He doesn't necessarily have to be in bed with him, and if he is, usually, Jim is reading something about the updates his ship is going through, but just having Jim there…Bones can't explain it. He just sleeps easier when he can see Jim futzing around their quarters, or feel him breathing beside him on the bed, with the lights at 75% (though, Bones will bitch about the light). It's a rare occasion for Jim to enter their quarters with Bones already sleeping.

Thirty-three:

He has a problem with buying new shoes. He will walk his boots to hell and back and continue to wear them even though they're being held together with hopes and prayers. He says, 'A lot can be said for a man by the shoes he wears.' Every time he gets a new pair of boots he frowns at them and runs for a mile of so, and he comes back still staring at them in concentration. It takes too long for him to actually like them, and he bitches about them the entire time, but after about four months with a new set of boots, Jim can usually throw the old pair out without getting his ass chewed for it.

Thirty-four:

Bones is not nearly as controlling as people assume. He likes to have control of certain things, his medical bay and staff, the cleanliness of their quarters, the foods he eats (and that Jim eats). He'd like to have control of his fears, but that's nearly impossible. But beyond that, as long as it won't get them killed, he's fairly laid back. Jim can drive anywhere that requires them to have an auto, and they both know Jim's a controlling son-of-a-bitch in the bedroom, and he's fine with that. ('There are certain things that need to have control,' he says one afternoon, 'and there are certain things that need to control you. It's balance.')

Thirty-five:

He partook in flight simulations to help overcome his aviophobia ('Fucking Starfleet just_ has_ to operate in space, and I'm not fucking lucky enough to get a dirtside commission…might as well throw my sanity out the window and embrace all things that came with talking to fucking_ Christopher Pike_.'). He's actually a pretty good pilot, not as good as Sulu, or Chekov, or even Jim, but he can handle his own and manage to keep the craft aloft, which is the general point of flying anything, so Bones counts it as a win.

Thirty-six:

They're on some backwater planet, when Bones lets go of the one secret that brought them crashing together. His father. His father was a doctor, too, and busy for it. He was there when he could be for Bones, but also preoccupied with his career and helping everyone in Georgia. David had high expectations for Bones and he never let it go unknown ('sometimes, I was pretty sure an A wasn't even good enough for him,' Bones says into the blue-streaked orange sky). They had drifted apart when Bones went to medical school, and the rift only worsened when he married Jocelyn, ('he loved her more than he loved me at times, I swear it'). But it was all lost and forgotten when David got sick ('I wasn't ready to lose my dad. I spent hour over hour at the hospital staring into a microscope hoping beyond hope to find a cure that no one in the past hundred and fifty years had found. I just wanted him to stay. Think I missed more of Jo's life in that year and a half than I have in the last four years').

He didn't pull the cord to David's life support, but he gave in, and David signed the do-not-resuscitate form. When his kidneys finally failed, Bones let go, and kept the other Doctors from doing anything besides giving him sedatives, in hopes that his father would go quickly and painlessly ('still think shooting him mighta been a bit more humane').

Thirty-seven:

He_ reads_ Harlequin Romance novels. Actually, he kinda hoards them. It's like an addiction to the man, and Jim is pretty sure the doctor doesn't even know it.

Thirty-eight:

As much as he bitches at Jim about eating healthy, the man's favorite snack is salt and vinegar potato chips. It is the most disgusting thing ever, and when Jim read the ingredients label his eyes nearly fell out of his head, because_ holy shit!_ Does Bones even know what was in those things? Not only are they the nastiest tasting, most toxic smelling things in the world, but Jim's sure no one should be able to eat a bag without the lining of their stomach deteriorating. He supposes he should be happy that Bones only eats them when he's feeling passive aggressive towards him.

Thirty-nine:

Bones nearly broke his back when he was fourteen. He was out beginning to break the yearling horse they had out in the pasture, and Caesar just bucked him off, like he was nothing but a pesky fly. Bones said he couldn't move and it was only because his friend, Clay, was helping him out that day that he got to the hospital so quickly ('decided that day that I was gonna be a doctor,' he says, his accent a bit thicker when he speaks of his roots 'I liked walkin' and I decided there needed to be more people who could put half-broken kids back together when they pulled stupid stunts like I did').

Forty:

He decided to go into xeno-surgery when he started talking to a Denobulan doctor about how there were so few doctors qualified to work with other species. Though, his forte is and always will be human physiology, he knows enough about quite a bit of xenophysiology, and could if pressed complete surgeries on a number of people.

Forty-one:

Bones, for all of his good-boy demeanor, woke Jim up at two in the morning one night while they were planet-side for the sole purpose of… and this is classic…_ skinny dipping_. He shook Jim awake with a smile that would have rivaled Jim's and probably shamed the devil just a tiny bit. He forced Jim to dress, already dressed himself, and then pulled, pushed, and prodded Jim out of their apartment and into a transport shuttle that took them all the way to some wilderness, and more importantly some lake, that Jim couldn't even remember the name of, but he knew it was somewhere in the Sierras. And then, before Jim could ask for the three millionth time just what in the hell they were doing, Bones stripped and took off towards the water, yelling over his shoulder, 'come on you Midwestern hick! Thought this woulda been second nature to a country boy like you.'

Forty-two:

He totally hates Jim's jacket. His favorite leather jacket, Bones hates it! He always sneers at it, and tries not to touch it. He refers to it as stupid, even though it is clearly awesome. He has even 'lost' the jacket on purpose, the asshole. He almost did a happy-dance when Jim discovered there was a tear in the sleeve, and almost cried when Jim took it to a leather worker to have it repaired. It's that bad.

Forty-three:

He can say the alphabet backwards, even when drunk, which is so not fair. He laughs when Jim can barely recall the alphabet forwards. No drunk man should be able to have it both ways.

Forty-four:

Bones has met Frank once. They met when he went up to Iowa with Jim (that last Christmas Jim and his mother were able to get together before he went off planet). They had been speaking for a while, apparently, before the Kirk duo found (rescued) him. Jim and Winona had been off window shopping, and Bones was 'damn sick and tired of this white shit,' so he had gone ahead into a diner Winona was treating them to. When mother and son entered they were almost as shocked as Frank was. Bones just took his drink and took a seat at the booth he had vacated to get a beer before Frank had started chatting with him. He was grumbling about Midwestern idiots who didn't know when to go the fuck away when Winona started laughing (a lovely sound even if she did sound panicked when she let herself really laugh), saying she had the same problem when she was married to him.

Forty-five:

Bones can dance. Not just the proper, gentlemen dances that are really kinda boring. He can_ dance_ and grind and get dirty and it's so fucking awe-inspiring. He only does it when he's really plastered beyond recognition, but really that's just a game of tactics in Jim's opinion, and he's always been amazing at those. It's all worth it too, when he can get Bones onto the dance floor with him, free of inhibitions and just looking like pure sex.

Forty-six:

For how damn smart Bones is, and all the words he can degrade people with, and how fucking smart he always sounds, the man can not write a paper to save his life. Just three months into their friendship, Jim was appointed as his editor, and oh, god! Bones sure as hell needed one. His grammar is atrocious, his spelling of anything not medical or scientific is disastrous, and he has no concept of punctuation. It is like the man had never heard of spell check. Even when Bones does spell check Jim has to read the papers, which is kind of annoying, because he doesn't have a clue what half of the scientific garbage is. It's only when Jim throws a small fit that Bones tells him its all a ploy to see him in his glasses as often as possible (Jim has to admit, Bones is a tactical genius at times, as well).

Forty-seven:

His favorite thing to do with Jo is to dance (actual dancing, not Jim's dancing). When she was six she would stand on the edges of his shoes, lollipop stick poking out of her teeth as she grinned up at Bones with blue-stained teeth. When she got older and taller and heavier, she would just follow the steps her daddy taught her, chewing gum like an addict by the time she was eight ('and a half, Jim'), laughing at him and calling him 'strange' as he picked her up without warning to dip her so close to the ground her long French-braid touched the ground and her face would be red when they came back up.

Forty-eight:

Though Bones had a few gray hairs in the Academy, his first year on the_ Enterprise_ had a mess of gray sprouting at his temples. He tries not to appear vain, but Jim knows he keeps looking in the mirror wondering when his appearances started matching his crotchety-old-man attitude. Jim thinks it looks distinguished, even if he knows he's the cause for every singe gray hair he finds the one night Bones doesn't get up when Jim goes searching for them. They both know the_ Enterprise_ will probably put Bones into an early grave, yet Bones always says it'll be worth it.

Forty-nine:

He likes to settle his head into Jim's lap; likes feeling Jim's fingers running through his hair ('don't count my gray hair, you little prick') and messaging at his temple to get rid of his headache ('you probably gave it to me, anyhow'). He likes it when Jim is paying attention to him, or when they're both preoccupied with something else. He just likes the position, the complete contentment he feels when they just stay like that, no kissing, no sex, just…_them._

Fifty:

He loves Jim just like he is, with all his quirks and flaws and petty pout sessions and downright freak-outs…just like he is.

*

A/N:

12: Goes hand in hand with number twelve from Jim's fifty secrets, Just Between You and Me.

27: This is the opinion of two women who hate Freud. We kinda think most people in the 24th century would have the same view of Freud. We realize that Freud eventually stopped his cocaine affair, but it's good for Bones to bitch about.

48: Soror have a fetish with gray hair, and Bones with gray hair…she could drool an ocean just from the thought.

Hearts…lots of hearts.


End file.
